This is Me
by Kondoru
Summary: Kaze learns some things about himself.


THIS IS ME. By Kondoru

What Kaze did as soon as he was able...

Standard disclaimers

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Today was the first day of my new life.

It's a truly thought provoking experience to be resurrected.

I have no memories of my past, -not even a name.

All I own is a Purpose in life and my clothing and equipment, a complete surprise to me.

I used the Magun too.

Less of that.

Using that thing has taken a lot out of me; As soon as I'm in private I search for a place to rest. Needs to be a place I can conceal myself to sleep, with drinkable water and hopefully food.

I'm not sure what I can eat but will follow my instincts; I seem to have been reborn with good sense. 

This place seems ideal. A pool surrounded by bushes and rocks.

No sense of Chaos.

Chaos is my enemy.

I take a deep drink, the water tastes clean in spite of all the strange plant life. I am very thirsty.

There is a shallow overhang in the rocks, an ideal place to put my back against to sleep safely.

I settle back under the overhang, unholstering my sawn-off and laying it in my lap.

Presently I drift off to sleep.

I spend the next day by the pool, resting, drinking to clear my system and hunting for food.

What do you mean, earthworms and frogs are not good food? Plenty of protein and fat in them.

Fairly well rested I settle back to get to know my equipment.

Whoever dressed me had no taste; I look like a baddie. Black cloak, black jeans, black combat vest, grey T-shirt.

(Did I dress myself before I came back to life? Urgh!)

But what does my face look like? Enquiring minds must know!

I must have a good look at my face; I'll have to live with it. It's not that horrid, surely?

So I pull back my enveloping cloak and lean over the pool.

I flinch away in shock. Ugly. I did not expect this.

No wonder those children and that girl looked at me so oddly. I must be quite a sight to them, and not in a good way.

I look awful.

I really do.

I'm hideous.

I have all the appearance of a spawn of Chaos.

Shame on me.

Erk!

But I have to look again, see just how utterly dreadful my face is.

Sighing, I lean over again.

First thing I notice is my left eye.

I thought I was blind in that eye until the Magun activated. Actually I am not.

My left eye is actually concealed behind a dark lens. This is the targeting device for the Magun; its wired into my brain as well as my optic nerve and its used to lock on a target, also has zoom capabilities.

It does absolute wonders for my appearance I do not think.

My hair is a drab rusty shade, long and straggly with a fringe that reaches down beyond my nose. The rest of it is very long, tied back in a ponytail with a silver clip. (And how am I supposed to re tie my hair one handed pray? Perhaps this is why it is matted and obviously hasn't been washed in ages.)

My ears stick out from under my thatch. They would be comely ears, but inevitably they have been pierced several times. I now have a total of no less than five silver rings in my ears. Also from my left ear depends this big silver charm

It is diamond shaped, with a sanguinary garnet set in it.

Somehow it is very important to me.

Connected to the Magun perhaps? That dreadful thing has bits and pieces over my entire carcase it seems.

This is not the only silverwear on me, no not at all. I must be a chattel; Around my miserable neck is a heavy silver collar. No wonder I pull my cloak up past my nose.

(But of course I'm a slave of the Magun...)

What part of my grim visage that isn't covered by cloak, hair or targeter is tattooed.

Yes, tattoos.

You got it.

In three colours, no less.

I can see it all now; When (the operating word is when not if) the wanted posters are put up for me they will describe my gruesome mug in glorious Technicolor.

Thin blue line across ridge of snub nose, three red triangles under right eye, black line partially round same eye.

I must get some foundation makeup and soon.

(I wonder if that girl Lisa has some I can borrow?)

I seem to recall that bastard Kumo does not have tattoos. I have as yet, only a very vague recollection of that scoundrel. I see white hair, and these most wonderfully soulful jade green eyes. I bet the great Shirori Kumo does not look like a badass. I bet he looks a decent chap, not a damned soul like me.

I shake my unappealing head in denial.

I'm the guy who fights Chaos, I might be amnesiac but I do know the difference between Good and Evil.

That's why I shot that fungoid monster.

I thought Chaos! I'll have to do something to save those poor people! Then the Magun came to life.

I just Know all of Chaos knows about me now.

And that means Kumo knows of my re-awakening.

He will die horribly.

He's going to get that sword of his shoved where the flames of Hell don't shine! I'm going to destroy him even if he guts me first! He can stab, but I'll fire the Magun at him as his sword slips though my innards!

I will chamber my own hate-corrupted soul and fire it at him!

And it won't be any old demon I'll summon!

Gundragon himself!

Nothing but the best for the man who destroyed my world and everything I ever loved.

It's this hatred that resurrected me when I was dead.

It's the reason why I'm ALIVE!

But then I look into my good right eye...

It is the blue of the sky at noon, long lashes, and a gentle visage.

It is the eye of an Angel; I simply have to smile.

My whole face is transformed.

From a sullen memory wiped creature who is nothing more than a fleshy part of the Magun, I become a human being, bearer of the dread demon gun but not possessed by it.

And, yes, I look wonderful

I really do.

I'm not ugly. I'm very handsome indeed.

I smile some more; it's wonderful. My long hair has a devil may care liveliness to it, The targeter reflects the sun, a brave testimony to my skill as a marksman, the garnet in my earring glints with wholesome red fire, my collar is no longer a bond of a slave to darkness, but a shining badge of strength, no longer do my tattoos appal, but are now colourful accents to my pleasing visage.

Then I get my first certain glimpse of my soul.

I'm used to dealing with souls and I can see mine quite clearly.

Most souls I have in soil charges are ugly ones; vengeful grey, moody black, bloody red and burning yellow.

But my own soul is a sparkling white, virginal as the driven snow. It's a truly beautiful soul. A little grim maybe, whose wouldn't be after the destruction of their world? But clean.

It's absolutely spotless. I cannot see my fire for revenge on Kumo in my soul. It is free from all taint of Chaos.

I am not doomed to Hell.

Whatever happens, Chaos cannot hurt me.

The Magun cannot hurt me.

Makenshi cannot hurt me.

Death holds no fear for me.

My heart soars; I'm not such an ugly brute as I first thought.

I'm not evil. Foul visage covering a fair person, as they say.

Come to think of it, though those children did eye me up something serious they did not recoil in fear and loathing the same way I did when I first saw my reflection.

Nor did Lisa.

Lisa can see things others cannot, and children are instinctively perceptive.

They know I'm a good guy.

A badass, maybe, but I have a heart of gold.

I do and all; I will tag along discretely and aid them in their quest; they are going to come up against lots of Chaos creatures who need to feel the bullets of my custom sawn-off Winchester.

And the Magun.

Makenshi works for Chaos now doesn't he? I give a shit-eating grin. Seems this may well be the best way to find him.

I get up, pulling my cloak resolutely around my shoulders and wrapping my face up to my eyes.

I look the dark man of the Black Wind again.

But I have to keep this armour up; Wonderland is a very dangerous place. It's best not to look like you're an enemy of Chaos.

I smile to myself and feel my mask slipping again.

One day someone special will see past my grim exterior, they will see into my soul and know me for a truly good person. Perhaps they will be a stranger willing to throw in their lot with mine; who knows? Perhaps they may even come from my own hidden past.

I see fights in my future, that and rejection.

But I also see people who will love me.

When I go to my final battle.

It will not be The Magun and just me...

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